The 8th Annual Jonny Awards

Album of the Year
Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends – Coldplay

It was going to be a tossup this year between two of the biggest bands Britain as ever brought us; finishing in 2nd this year was Radiohead’s In Rainbows. Why Coldplay over Radiohead? For one, In Rainbows came out like January 1st, and then kind of disappeared. Plus, I was not all that blown away by it. It’s good, but I go back to listening to Kid A or OK Computer and then I just get disappointed.

On the other hand, Viva La Vida is hands down the best thing Coldplay has ever released. I though X & Y was fantastic; this is even better. Plus, it is one of those cultural phenomenons that mystifies the mind. Why is this album and particularly the first single and title track “Viva la Vida,” the first single so popular? To me, it rings strikingly familiar to another phenomenon, that of Rubber Soul, and it’s big single “Elanor Rigby.” Neither song should have topped the Pop music charts. Both albums were serious departures from their previous work. For the Beatles, it was a transformation from bubble-gum “I Want To Hold Your Hand” boy-band teen pop into serious rock musicians; for Coldplay it is a transition from the radio-friendly formulaic anthem like “Fix You” into something with a message and a substance. Gone are those formulas; there is no “Fix You” or “Yellow” but in their place came depth and mystery. Songs like “Cemetaries in London” and “42.” Different beats and rhythms with “Lost!” and “Viva La Vida” (even if they did steal it from Joe Satriani) abound. Intiguing songs like “Violet Hill” that leave the listener with a picture of a wintry military camp full of despondent and hopeless soldiers seeking answers. The crescendo in “Death and All His Friends” is perfect; and emotional zenith in a roller-coaster of a record.

Coldplay get a lot of guff from critics and people alike, and a lot of it is warranted. But the fact of the matter is this: if the “Coldplay” label were not on this record, if this had been done by an “unknown” instead of the biggest band in the world with the biggest artsy-fartsy producer in the world in Brian Eno, the critics would have eaten this album up. Remember this: the only people who loved the Beatles in the mid 1960s were young women. Men hated them, critics despised them. And then what happened?

Best Song of the Year
“Mercy” – Duffy

It is a long standing rule of the Jonnys that the Best Song cannot come from the Best Album. Therefore, I’m giving this award to a new starlet on the scene, Duffy, and her hit single “Mercy.” It’s a great song, sung by an incredibly talented singer. Duffy clearly did not get the memo of what it takes to be a big time female pop star. This song isn’t a -formulaic Britney-Christina-Beyoncé-three-minute-jam with a cool dance solo. Instead, it draws roots from classic rhythm and blues, and sung with a lot of soul. It may be a simple four-bar-blues song, but it is done incredibly well.

Welcome to the Big Time Award
Duffy

Read my comments above about her hit single, I can’t say it any better than that. What I like the most is that she brings something different to the table, and with her it is her unique singing style; it’s soulful and yet sweet at the same time. Her songs drip with elegance. Rockferry is a terrific album, and this is the first debut in a long time that I think has the possibility to launch something fantastic.

The “Really, You’re Still Around?” Award
The Eagles

Even though Hell froze over twenty years ago, these guys are still at it, playing their God-awful lounge-rock. I’ll be honest in that I never got The Eagles. Talented musicians yes, but their songs always ran a little hollow. I didn’t get the message. And yet this year, they launched yet another tour. Why? Because middle-aged America will shell out $150 a ticket. Awesome.

The I Still Don’t Get Why People Listen to this Crap Award
Nickelinderaughtry

For many years, the band Nickelback has drawn my ire. Because they are absolute garbage. They are the epitome of everything that has gone wrong with the rock-and-roll industry. Interesting, I know because I’m such a big fan of Coldplay, but these guys are just terrible. Their lyrics are something that a middle-schooler could have written. Their riffs and melodies are dumbed down to the lowest common denominator. So for years, they were the Worst Band. But then…they got imitators, kind of like in the late 90s when the terrible Nu Metal movement broke. That didn’t last long, and I hope this won’t either. But I’m naming this sub-genre of terrible music Nickelinderaughtry, named for the equally awful trio of garbage bands known as Nickelback, Hinder, and Daughtry. And be careful, David Cook, you may have been The Rocker on Idol, but you are dangerously close to joining this flock.

The I Really Still Don’t Get Why People Listen to this Crap Award
Beyoncé

How this girl got to be a star on her singing voice is beyond me. Have you listened to her lately? And I don’t mean on her over-produced albums, I’m talking about live and in person. She couldn’t hit a note if she were holding a sledge hammer. Beyoncé has never found a key she didn’t like because she spends so much time floating between dozens in a single song.

And while she is a terrible live singer (a clear indication she’s not that great to begin with), her songs are pure torture. I know pop-hop is not my genre of choice usually, but at least I can respect a good song. Beyoncé, or do I call her Sasha Fierce now, has entire albums worth of terrible songs. Most consist of two lines with over-repetitive choruses “If you liked it you should’ve put a ring on it” over and over and over and over again. And it goes back to the Destiny’s Child days. I get that their catchy and fun to dance along with, but as a respected “singer” I do not understand why she continues to be so big.

The “It Took 15 years and This is what you release???” Award
W. Axl Rose, Guns ‘n’ Roses, and Chinese Democracy

For years, Axl Rose has promised us Democracy in China, and this is what we get? It’s comical how bad it really is. Mind you, I didn’t waste money buying this crap, but I’ve listened to enough of this album to gauge its quality. I wasn’t expecting Use Your Illusion II, but I thought after 15 years it would be a little better than this self-indulging crap. And that’s exactly what this is. I’ve never heard anything so…well, self indulgent. And I’ve listened to both Use Your Illusions.

Worst Move of the Year
Tropic Thunder

Ben Stiller. Jack Black. Robert Downey Jr. Tom Cruise in a fat suit and a bald cap. What could go wrong here? Sadly, everything. If this wasn’t the worst movie of the year (and probably wasn’t, but I didn’t see anything I liked less), it was easily the most disappointing movie of the year, maybe even ever. It was crass, unfunny, stretched on way too long, and just was bad. I believe the only reason it got good reviews was because it made fun of Hollywood. “Ha ha, they’re making fun of me,” is what the Hollywood elite said. Well, I don’t work in Hollywood, and you, Mr. Stiller, just made a bad movie.


Favorite Movie of the Year
Ghost Town

Ricky Gervais is a comic genius. Add in Greg Kinnear and a quirky storyline, and you have a terrific movie. Too bad I was the only one who saw it.

Best Movie Moment
The horse scene in “Nights in Rodanthe”

Not because it was moving, or captivating, or even because it was the emotional zenith of the film. Yes, I saw it, so cue the “Do you know how I know you’re gay?” joke. As I was sitting in the theatre, and the horses started galloping down the beach, I looked to the left of me to see my wife breaking down in tears, and all I could think about was the hilarious spoof on the previous night’s The Soup, when the voice over went on about “And look…there’s some horses” and I swear to God it took everything I had not to die out in laughter.

Best New TV Show
Life on Mars

If you know me, and are a fan of previous Jony Award celebrations, you know that I’m a big fan of time-travel related shows (see last year’s best new tv show award in “Journeyman” and what would have been this year’s if it wasn’t cancelled “New Amsterdam”). The acting in this show is top notch, the story is fresh and interesting, and keeps you coming back for more. So what does that mean? It will surely be cancelled soon enough.

Worst New TV Show
Kath and Kim

I had some high hopes for this show. Molly Shannon? Very funny (and certainly overachieving) actress/comedienne. Selma Blair? Another talented actress who I expected to make this show pretty interesting. And what’s the result? A half hour crap fest. There really aren’t words to describe how bad this show is. It is slow-moving, uninteresting, and worst of all, not funny. The only redeeming quality of this show is with John Michael Higgins (who played ultra-serious attorney Wayne Javris in “Arrested Development” and appears in the very humerous Direct TV commercials), playing the mom’s fiancé (I don’t know which one is Kath or Kim). It’s a sorry addition to NBC’s strong Thursday night lineup, and is certainly one of the reasons why (a) America is continuing to fall out of love with sitcoms, and (b) why foreign imports (except for The Office and Ugly Betty) are generally a really really bad idea.

The Worst Cancellation-Decision Award
Pushing Daisies

Pushing Daisies is a critically-acclaimed show featuring fresh talent that most of the world had never seen before (except maybe Chi McBride). It had a unique, intriguing plot device on top of a procedural Who-done-it investigative show. It won awards and hearts of legions of people (myself included). So what does ABC do? After the writer’s strike ended, it decided not to show the remaining first season of the show (instead it showed the rest of also-freshman and less well-rated and acclaimed Private Practice), and then cancelled the show outright after this season.

Most Underrated TV Show
The entire CBS Monday night lineup (except for 2 ½ Men)

I’ll be the first to admit I don’t get “Two and a Half Men.” Charlie Sheen is not a comedic actor (see the last few seasons of “Spin City” for further evidence). Jon Cryer is probably the most irritating main-stream actor currently featured in a big-time series. Even the kid isn’t a kid anymore, and the series continuously pours out lame-lowest-common-denominator type jokes left and right. But the one good thing it does is draw in vewiers for the rest of CBS’s Monday Night Lineup.

Leading off is the intelligent and quirky “Big Bang Theory,” with a bright young ensamble cast. Following that is, in my opinion, the best show on television, “How I Met Your Mother,” and then after “TAHM” is (for right now) “Worst Week” and then later (hopefully) “Rules of Engagement” (which, it should be noted stars Patrick Wahrburton, who I pretty much would watch in just about anything). Monday nights are no joke the best since the heyday of the early-90s Thursday night NBC.

The “Please, just stop this” Award
Who Wants to be a Millionaire-styled game shows.

A dark stage in the center of an auditorium. Ultra-intense music. An outdated tv host. Exuberant prize winning. Ultra-irritating cliffhanger commercial breaks. What show am I talking about? If you don’t know that answer, you’re not alone, because these types of game shows keep being thrown at us. We stopped watching “WWTBAM” ten years ago. Stop it already!

The “Stop Asking Me if I Watch This Show, the Answer is an Unequivocal NO!” Award
Tie – Heroes, Lost, Chuck, Knight Rider, any CSIs, Battlestar Gallactica, Enterouge, etc. I don’t care how good the buzz is, I haven’t seen it. Not that I necessarily don’t want to, but things in the past have prevented me from starting; I am now too far behind and don’t really feel like taking all those hours to catch up.

The “What the Hell Happened to You?” Award
VH1

There was a time when MTV stopped showing music-related television that one could turn to it’s sibling, VH1 for some relief. We all loved “Pop Up Video” and “Storytellers” and countless other music-related programming. But no longer. VH1 followed MTV’s path and then some. Ever turn this channel on? It is nothing but TERRIBLE “reality” shows. “I love money?” Please. This whole network is garbage. Thank god we have VH1 Classic. At least they will show an episode of “Pop Up Video” every once in awhile.

SNL Skit of the Year

Tie:





The Best Weekly Pop-Culture Clip Show
The Soup

In years past, there were only two, The Soup and Best Week Ever. For some reason, they have exploded to include nearly a half dozen weekly recap shows including Vs.’s Sports Soup or whatever that is called to the Style Network’s The Dish, hosted by Topanga Lawrence herself (seriously, check it out, it is so strange…). However, none come close to matching Joel McHale’s wit on the original, E!’s The Soup, including all of The Soup Presents… episodes. Spaghetti Cat rules! Good morning Matt, good morning everybody, in the news this morning good morning.

Best Commercial of the Year

The Arby’s commercial where the wife dresses up like an Arby’s employee.

The “I’m thinking Arby’s” commercial gimmick has always been clever and entertaining, but this one is the best of them all. And is it all right that maybe that’s a little hot, too?

Best Moment of 2008
Grant Park, November 4.

Whether or not you voted for Obama this year, you cannot deny that there was no more earth-shattering moment than his acceptance speech at Grant Park. Not only was it a great speech, with historic implications, but I’m talking about the energy, the atmosphere. Go back and watch clips of it – the whole country was there. Men, women, whites, blacks, Hispanics, Asians, straight, gay, rich, middle class, and poor; young and old alike were all there to witness and celebrate. That was the defining moment in the Obama Campaign: he represented hope and change to everybody, as naïve as that may sound.

Worst Moment of 2008
Republican National Convention

Conversely, the Worst Moment without question goes to the GOP and their lame convention. Compare Obama’s acceptance speech in Grant Park to this; notice anything different? There was nothing but white people. No wait, that’s not exactly true…it should be more like, There was nothing but older and middle-aged white people (with the token Black guy and young couple in nicely pressed suits thrown in). In 2008, how can you push an agenda for the entire country when your own convention, the backbone of your supporters, represent a minority of America? It was a sad vision. Then add in all the partying done while New Orleans was being rocked by yet another hurricane, and the lie-riddled, substanceless, out-for-blood speeches by Palin and Gulianni, and you have what should have been declared a National Disaster. If Obama had a little more experience, a little more white blood in him, and a less-scary sounding name (does nobody remember King Hussein of Jordan, the great leader who brokered peace in the middle east and was a staunch U.S. ally against Iraq), this election would have been a Reagan or Johnson-like blowout.


The Try and Get This Song Out of Your Head Award

Those irritating “male-enhancement” Enzyte commercial jingle. Go ahead, you know how it goes…everybody whistle along.

Most Irritating Fashion Trend of 2008

In the past, this award was given out to those one-sleeved Tarzan shirts, or the bathrobe-Sweater (girls, you know you wore them). This year it is Crocs, because they are the dumbest looking shoes I have ever seen. Period. I don’t care how comfortable they are. My Cookie Monster slippers that I had when I was four were pretty comfortable too, that doesn’t mean I would wear them around today.

Most Irritating Song of the Year Award

I Kissed a Girl – Katy Perry

I don’t care. I’ve kissed girls too. And I liked it. That doesn’t mean I write terrible dance songs about it.

Worst Dance of 2008

Beyoncé’s “Single Girls”

Although it was tremendously hilarious to watch Justin Timberlake do the dance on SNL, I don’t know how someone who can’t write a song can’t sing the crap that’s written for her can just bob her body up and down and then flash out her hand and call it a hit song. I must just be getting old

Most Stupidest Person

The Illinois Governor, which leads me to…

Worst Hair Award

The Illinois Governor