The Seventh Annual Jonny Awards!!!

The 2007 Jonny Awards!!

Here it is friends, the 7th annual Jonny Awards! Each year our very secret selection committee meet in my basement…err I mean the super secret headquarters and pick the winners. Every year has different categories, and every year there are different winners. So…drum roll please….here they are!

In the category of MOVIES:

Best Movie (notice the category is NOT “Best Picture”): Reign Over Me

Up until two weeks ago, I had another movie in my head altogether, and then recently I heard the Eddie Vedder cover of the The Who song, and I thought to myself: what an amazing movie that was. And it truly was. Adam Sandler doesn’t get enough credit. It’s been twelve years since Billy Madison, but no matter what he does he could never be taken seriously. Punch Drunk Love was a great movie. This one’s even better. Plus, it has Don Cheadle, the World’s most under appreciated actor.

Best Movie I Didn’t See: The Simpson’s Movie

WHAT? YOU DIDN’T SEE THE SIMPSONS MOVIE? Is what you’re screaming at your monitors right now, but no, I didn’t see it. It was not a good summer for me, remember. I plan on seeing it the instant it is released on the dvd machine.
-And as a side note, everybody knows I…err…the Selection Committee doesn’t see a lot of movies, mostly those movies that win traditional “Academy Awards.” So hold your Michael Clayton comments right there. You’re wasting your time.

Worst Movie of the Year: Spiderman 3

Note that the qualifications for this category mean this is the worst movie that I…err…the Selection Committee saw this year. Come on, this was a pathetic excuse for a movie. Far reaching, hollow, heartless. Spiderman has to deal with not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR villains. Really? Did they really think this was a good idea? It was like a bad video game. Plus, it has the crème de la awful: Emo Spiderman.

Probably the Worst Movie of the Year: I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

Oh, this is why Adam Sandler still doesn’t get any respect.

The “Please…Just Stop” Award: Film studios that think it’s a good idea to make movies out of toys (and amusement park rides).

Listen, I was as big a fan of Pirates of the Caribbean (the movie, not the ride. I don’t do rides) as the next guy. But then the second one sucked. And then I found out the third one was like seven hours long. But let’s be honest. It was an amusement park ride.

Transformers was a decent movie to, full of action and adventure (and plenty of scenes shot in Detroit…if you want me to point them out to you, I’ll be happy to). But it was a toy. The problem is that they were incredibly successful. So, likely we will be bombarded with “Millennium Force: The Movie.” “Batman: The Ride: The Movie.” “My Little Pony On the Big Screen.” “Lite Bright.” This needs to stop. Unless, of course, they make a Starcom movie. Remember Starcom? The space sci-fi toys with the little magnetic troopers and the ships that had working hydraulics? That was awesome.

Best Movie that Nobody Saw but Me: Next

I was excited at first, because I initially thought that I was about to see a feature length film of sluts on a bus and tools with the worst one-liners in the world, but unfortunately this was not part of the movie.

Nicholas Cage is cool. I’m sorry. I know, I know, he looks weird, but he makes just about everything he’s in cool. And this movie, about a psychic magician who is under pressure from the government to save Los Angeles from terrorists…and save Jessica Biel along the way, is pure gold.

Best Cameo: Ryan Seacrest – “Knocked Up”

“Cut the shit. Just cut the shit!”

IN THE CATEGORY OF TELEVISION:

Best Television Program: The Office

It was a close call, but The Office still is king. It’s the cleverest show on television. And Steve Carrel is one of the funniest men alive. I personally love the feud between Michael and Toby, because it doesn’t make any sense at all.

Best Show In Its Final Season: Scrubs

This is the first time this award has been given to the same show twice. Scrubs was supposed to end last year, but due to the merciful gods at NBC, they decided to keep the most underrated series in television history on one more year. It will be sad to see it go. Luckily, I’ll always have the dvds.

Worst Show Ever: Desperate Housewives

Wait a minute…I just admitted that I’ve seen Desperate Housewives. Quick, change the subject!!

Best Show That I Wish More People Watched: 30 Rock

NBC’s Thursday night lineup is the strongest it’s been since Friends ended, and this show may one day be the best out of all of them. Tina Fey is a magnificent writer, and Alec Baldwin’s corporate mastermind Jack Donnaghy is one of the best characters on television.

Best Show that Nobody in the World Watches but Me: Journeyman

I have a thing for time travel shows, and this one’s kinda like Quantum Leap but much, much cooler. The story is this: Dan mysteriously, and uncontrollably, gets sent back in time to various periods in the recent past to change (hopefully for the better) the lives of perfect strangers in the hopes that through their lives, they will make a dramatic, positive impact on the future. Oh, and his ex-fiancé, who he thought had died in a plane crash ten years ago, is actually an unwilling time traveler to. It’s on Mondays at 10, people! Tune in!

The “Just Go Away!” Award: ER

If you’re like me, when the clock strikes 10 p.m., you reach for the remote and change the channel off NBC, because ER, the show that should have died YEARS AGO is still on. Why? Nobody’s left. Clooney? Gone. LaSalle? Gone too. That guy from “Revenge of the Nerds?” Dead. The nerdy annoying guy who was on the show for like ever? Yeah, he’s gone too. Just stop. Please. You’re taking away a valuable time slot from a more deserving show…like “Journeyman.” Although it is nice to see Uncle Jesse working again.

Best Pop Culture Clip Show: The Soup

There are many fans of “Best Week Ever.” I am among them. But for a much better comedic outlook on the previous week’s pop-culture happenings, one should turn to the original, E!’s “The Soup.” I love Joel McHale. He’s hilarious, and has this snide, sarcastic wit about him that makes his commentaries sparkle. Plus, he makes fun of Ryan Seacrest every chance he gets.

IN THE CATEGORY OF MUSIC

Album of the Year: Arctic Monkeys – Favourite Worst Nightmare

I will admit when I’m wrong, and I was wrong about the Arctic Monkeys. They are a spectacular band, full of energy with a side of spunkiness and attitude that results in a sound neatly their own. F.W.N. is twelve tracks long, and at roughly 45 minutes, not long enough. Not often do I pick up a cd in the store purely on a whim, give it a listen, and say “Wow.” I did with this one. The energy that pulses from this disc is awesome. The lyrics are witty and cool, the instrumentation is tight. It has everything on it, from radio-friendly ballads (“Fluorescent Adolescent”) to screw you songs “Teddy Picker,” to just fantastic music “This Room is a Circus.”

Indie Album of the Year: Apostle of Hustle – National Anthem of Nowhere

I’m certain nobody has ever heard of A of H, but you should all go to your nearest itunes account and give this one a download. This band has an eclectic mix of rock, pop, Latin, electronic, and bluesy influences that make this band the best you’ve never heard of. Essential track: the title song “National Anthem of Nowhere.”

Best Song of the Year: “Please Be Patient With Me” – Wilco

Simple. Honest. Amazing. I need say nothing more.

The “What Happened to You Guys?” Award: Bon Jovi

Seriously, what the Hell? Country Music Awards? You guys used to be about the Rawk! Sure, you’ve always kinda sucked, but at least you had some credibility. Hang it up, Jon. Your Arena League team needs you.

Best Music Video: Foo Fighters – “Long Road to Ruin”

The recent Foo Fighters album clearly earns the award for “Best Album that I didn’t Get the Chance to Listen To,” because there’s only so many hours in a day, and this one fell through the cracks. Fortunately, though, the Foos are back to making comic masterpieces, and this one, about a 70s era soap star (Grohl, naturally) is priceless.

Most Annoying Song of the Year: “Umbrella” – Rhianna

And now it’s stuck in my head again. Great, now it will be there forever. brella, brella, eh eh…STOP IT!

Best Band that I’m Not Ashamed to Admit to Liking: Maroon 5

Catchy, with a driving pulse that you can’t help but bounce your head to. They don’t get enough rock cred thanks to front man Adam Levine’s VH1-friendly girlishly high singing voice, but if you saw them live, you’d understand. These guys know they’re stuff. And, I don’t know why they choose not to use their secret weapon more often: Adam Levine, guitar god. Seriously…dude can shred.

And now, finally, everyone’s favorite award:

The Worst Band EVER:

Wait….hold on, before I continue, let me let you in on a little history. Every year this award has been given out, only one band has won: Nickelback. Seriously, they’re just awful, and have been and continue to be. Unfortunately, Nickelback did not win this year. Instead, the honor goes to:

Nickelinderaughtry

That’s right. Well, aren’t Nickelback, Hinder, and Daughtry the same band anyway? Wait…they’re not? Get out of here! Well, then I guess it’s a three-way tie.


Well, there you have it folks. Man, I’m sad to see it end so soon. But of course, there were those awards that were given in a separate ceremony. They include:

Most Annoying Person (Male): Any Dude in an Emo Band
Most Annoying Person (Female): Avril Lavigne (Hey hey you you I don’t think you’re
any good)
The “I Thought They Were Already Dead” Award: Charles Nelson Reilly (Dumb Dora is
so dumb…Match Game’s the best)
The “I can’t believe this fugly slut got a tv show” Award: Tila Tequila
The “Why do people watch this…still?” Award: “Reality” shows
The “I Think I Just Got an STD Just From Watching This” Award: (tie) “I Love New York,” that Bret Michaels show, and, of course, “Shot at Love…with Tila Tequilla.”

Good Night Now!

World's Greatest Christmas Video

Told you.